*Thank you former client family member Anita, for sending this to me for others to enjoy!

Subject: ONE SMART SENIOR CITIZEN!! HOORAY FOR HER!! The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client.

#1-Now

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded ....

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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A senior woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Senior Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Senior Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Senior Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Senior Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Senior Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Senior Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Senior Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Senior Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Senior Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Senior Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Senior Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.

Senior Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

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The AGING process

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 36 and a half...you're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens - now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12 but you're gonna be 16.
Eventually.
Then the great day of your life - you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21...Yes!!
Then you turn 30.
What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED - we had to throw him out.
What's wrong? What changed?
You BECOME 21 but you TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there.
You REACH 50.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, then you MAKE IT to 60.
By then you've built up so much speed that you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing.
You HIT Wednesday.
You Get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.
My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there...
Into the 90's and you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens - if you make it over 100 you become a little kid again: "I'm 100 and a half!"
Happy Aging!

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Appearing on Dennis Miller's show, Red Buttons announced he was 80 years old, but that 80 is not old. He explained:

Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Old is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.

Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Old is when your wife says "Let's go upstairs and make love", and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both."

Are you old enough to remember when typing class was noisy and when toothpaste came in metal tubes? If so, you're as old as I am. Congratulations on making it this far.

And he adds,

"Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 but ... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

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Especially for the "Sandwich Generation"